For all His creations of which I'm a part--Yes I know Heavenly Father loves me.
("My Heavenly Father Loves Me" By Clara McMaster)
This morning I was enjoying the sunshine and the beauty blooming from a world during springtime when I saw a bird perch on a tree. The words came:
Whenever I hear the song of a bird
Or look at the blue, blue sky,
It was then I knew then I needed to share this story.
Over a year ago I started having some health issues, digestive issues, that has taken me on a humbling journey that was as unexpected as it was painful.
Once I realized the problem I felt like I was on a wild goose chase to find healing, going from one doctor to another. Suddenly the woman with the issue of blood took on very personal meaning to me (see Luke 8:43-44).
Placed on restrictive diets my body grew weaker and weaker, my mind grew cloudier and cloudier, while the demands of family life became heavier and heavier.
I began studying as much as I could to alleviate my symptoms, while simultaneously working on a business project to alleviate our family finances.
I started working harder and harder, often having 20 hour days, without the ability to sleep in or catch up.
I knew I was burning the candle from both ends, but I didn't know how to do less--the sheer work of running a large family and household while having multiple children with both extremely complicated food needs and behavioral challenges, coupled with a tremendous gap between the methods and perspectives between my spouse and I exhausterbated my already fragile constitution.
One night my body and mind were so weary from stress and fatigue that they gave out, forcing me to crawl into bed and lay motionless as I pondered my situation. At that point I felt transported into some spiritual realm, ethereal in nature, and sublime in feeling.
I felt loved. I felt peaceful. I felt heaven.
I knew it was a place I could rest, and I wished with all my heart I could stay.
Over the next few days, as I was the target of tantrums, or as I surveyed the mountain of laundry and piles of dishes, or as we had more needs than resources, I longed to go back.
As some of my children were frustrated at our situation and my inability to meet their needs, and channeled there anger towards me, I longed to go back.
Then the unique difficulties of those with physical and behavior challenges required super-human effort to meet, and as they were either unwilling or unable to contribute in any meaningful way towards the running of the household especially when visitors were expected, I longed to go back.
I felt increasingly isolated. Church and family events that normally had been my lifeline lost their appeal as I was unable to partake of any part of a meal and requiring the enormous burden of special planning and preparing and diligent effort to ensure those with dietary issues were not exposed to non-approved food items, I longed to go back.
Lost in the avalanche of problems bigger than I could handle, I would day-dream of returning to that place of peace, and this time hoping to stay permanently in that state.
I felt guilty harboring even for a moment such selfish thoughts. I knew to go back and stay in such a heavenly state, it would mean a lifetime of heartache and challenges for my husband and family, but it was so peaceful I no longer felt afraid of even dying.
It wasn't so much that I was willing to be reckless, or wanting to either, I just wondered if I should try to fight the fight to live as disappointments mounted and when so many of my efforts seemed so inadequate or fruitless.
I knew, deep down, that those feelings weren't healthy or helpful, but I was overwhelmed and lost the hope that I or my family would ever be able to function happily or that I would ever be able to fulfill the demands and expectations placed on me.
I desperation I prayed that I would have the desire to want to live, to want to be alive.
Answers from heaven often catch me off guard, as they are answered in totally unexpected times and totally unexpected places, but to this plea I gained yet another witness that God does hear and answer our prayers.
The following Sunday I was at the piano accompanying the younger children's Singing Time during our church services. They were playing a game which started and stopped in different places to learn and review the song "My Heavenly Father Loves Me," by Clara McMaster.
I had grown up with this sweet song and cheerfully played the familiar, well-beloved melody, but then I was stopped in my tracks--
He gave me my life, my mind, my heart: I thank Him reverently.
This was it!
This was God speaking directly to me.
Life was a gift He gave me. My heart, my mind, they too were His gifts to me.
I needed to thank Him reverently.
There was no way the message was lost on me, especially as it finished:
For all His creations of which I'm a part.
Yes I know Heav'nly Father loves me.
Yes! I know that Heavenly Father loves me.
He created this beautiful world for me. He gave me ways to enjoy and appreciate it--through my eyes, my ears, my touch.
My Heavenly Father Loves Me
Clara McMaster
1. Whenever I hear the song of a bird
Or look at the blue, blue sky,
Whenever I feel the rain on my face
Or the wind as it rushes by,
Whenever I touch a velvet rose
Or walk by our lilac tree,
I’m glad that I live in this beautiful world
Heav’nly Father created for me.
2. He gave me my eyes that I might see
The color of butterfly wings.
He gave me my ears that I might hear
The wonderful sound of things.
He gave me my life, my mind, my heart:
I thank Him rev'rently
For all His creations of which I'm a part.
Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me.
(Notice that none of the senses mentioned in the song even had to do with taste or food!)
I immediately prayed in my mind and repented in my heart: Dear Father, I am so sorry I did not want to live. Please forgive me. I am so thankful for my life, my mind, my heart. I will thank Thee reverently.
The funny thing is because of the game we kept repeating this section over and over. Repetition is a law of learning. There was no way Heavenly Father wasn't going to let me be absolutely sure I got this message.
I did.
Suddenly my whole outlook changed and with joy and "fresh courage take" I was reminded that "our God will never us forsake (see Come, Come Ye Saints)."
I think of the words of President Nelson:
"If we focus on the joy that will come to us, or those we love, what can we endure that presently seems overwhelming, painful, scary, unfair, or simply impossible?
As our Savior becomes more and more real to us and as we plead for His joy to be given to us our joy will increase.
Joy is powerful, and focusing on joy brings God's power into our lives. As in all things, Jesus Christ is our ultimate exemplar, 'who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross' (see Hebrews 12:2)."
And of course, there is Lehi's powerful discourse on the need for opposition in all things, and that "Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy (2 Nephi 2:25)."
If Adam was willing to fall from the presence of God for our joy, and the Savior was willing to endure the cross for the joy that was set before him, I too can find joy in the middle of my seemingly impossible challenges, and I thank Him reverently.
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world
Heav'nly Father created for me.
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